In the Sack: Butt Out, V-Jay Jay, Timid Traveler, and Internet Troll

Great article in STUFF [about trying to get a butt]. I can relate. I came across an infomercial called “The Brazilian Butt Lift.” You may want to Google it. It sold me and I’m saving up my pennies to buy the workout DVDs. Thought I’d mention it since we are apparently both taking back our butts this year. Get it, gurl.

Butt Out

Dear Butt Out,

I just spent 45 minutes staring at online photos of women before and after their surgical Brazilian butt lifts. And I’m seeing less Gisele Bündchen, more bunches of dimples. If you want to see some immediate (albeit artificial) results, put your pennies toward a Booty Pop. For as little as $28, you too can have a Kardashian ass that will lure sports stars and rappers — until they wake up and find your padded panties on the floor beside Mt. Miracle Bra.

After years of reading your column, I wanted to send just a quick note to say how much I enjoy your writing. Thanks to you, I actually knew what “vajazzle” meant in a random conversation this past year. Nothing like a little vajazzle reference to sparkle up a conversation, eh?

V-Jay Jay

Dear V-Jay Jay,

Did you hear that, Dad? I’m making a difference in people’s lives! So what if it’s through vaginal décor? Well, I’d happily share more arcane sexual terminology, but I nearly got blackballed after using the terms “Cleveland steamer” and “strawberry shortcake” in the same column. They have nothing to do with food, and I’d suggest you don’t bring them up at your next dinner party. The results might not be so dazzling.

Loved your recent column on travel companions, and I literally laughed out loud at a few of them. I’m planning to embark on a vacation with my new beau, and I need some packing advice. I want to bring some sex toys with me to try on this romantic getaway, but we haven’t really explored any of that yet (it’s pretty new). Is this a sexy way to experiment, or too risky to try in international waters?

Timid Traveler

Dear Timid Traveler,

If you’d prefer to introduce your new BF to sex toys by having four Mexican border agents inspect your dildo for explosives, go right ahead. It’ll be hilarious and prevent any awkwardness that might have resulted later in the privacy of your hotel room when you whipped out a schlong that’s four inches longer than his. Oh, and don’t forget your three-ounce bottle of lube. He’s gonna need it!

I read your “Social Disease” column, and I’m glad you managed to snag a lady with an “airtight online existence.” Unfortunately, I just stumbled upon my girl’s online dating profile, still listed as active. She says she hasn’t used it since we met, but I’m not sure I buy that. What do you think?

Internet Troll

Dear Internet Troll,

Are the two of you in an exclusive relationship? If so, then you could always create a fake online-dating profile and try to lure her in with hobbies like kite surfing and spelunking and a proposition to meet for a fabulous dinner at that great new place where only you can get a reservation. If she shows, you’ll be left to decide whether you want to continue dating the lying bitch — or whether you just need to get some new hobbies.

Jeannie Greeley is a freelance writer who checks her mail at jeannieg@comcast.net. She apologizes if the first time she responds is rudely and in print.