Traveler checks

Travel can bring out the best and worst in people. So if you really want to learn about your significant other, there may be no better way than by taking a vacation together. If it goes well, those sandy beaches and foreign landscapes might inspire an impromptu proposal; if not, you might be tempted to leave your girlfriend lifeless on the seafloor. Since travel habits can reveal a lot about what to expect in a relationship, here are some personality types and warning signs to watch out for. If your SO fits one of these profiles, it may be time to signal SOS.

The Uncunning Linguist: If you’ve traveled abroad and your partner can’t be bothered to make even a mangled attempt at a standard greeting in the local language, say “au revoir” to the ignoramus. This habit is a harbinger of a superiority complex and an unwillingness to adapt that will likely plague your relationship once you’re stateside. (And by the way, shouting louder in English doesn’t work. They’re not deaf, you moron.)

The Go-Go-Gadgeteer: “My hotel room looked like OfficeMax!” a friend said, recalling her disastrous travel mate. If your partner is having a panic attack about a weak Wi-Fi connection while you’re riding an elephant, or responding to work emails from the comfort of your cabana, he’s probably the type to text during blowjobs.

Anal Girl: There’s a fine line between planning a vacation and running it like a Tough Mudder event. Consider it a red flag if your partner is dragging you through an itinerary that requires a table of contents. She has already set your wedding date, and she knows her ovulation cycles better than the dog-eared pages of her Terribly Lonely Planet guide.

Nurse Ratched: Though Delhi Belly and the Aztec Two-Step might sound like cute dances, they’re actually movements of a much uglier nature. And when you contract a travel bug, your partner’s reaction is an indicator of his or her level of compassion and resilience. If he or she can’t help you through this little hiccup, you might want to shit and get off the pot.

Miss Misadventure: I believe our sixth sense is one of adventure. If your partner isn’t willing to try the local goat-testicle stew, the native hallucinogen, or a simple zip-line, she’ll never try that position on page 82 of your Kama Sutra.

The Tight Wad: A vacation provides ample opportunities to see whether your love interest is cheaper than a shot of bad Mexican tequila. Beware the travel companion who stiffs the maid or bellboy or, worse still, haggles with desperate locals after they’ve hand-cut the coconut for his piña colada.

The Insecurity Officer: Cellulite. A face without makeup. Morning breath. You won’t be able to hide them from your partner forever, and it’s during travel that these ugly truths are often exposed. If your SO can’t handle this rawness (or if you realize she had you fooled with a Maybelline mask), you two might be better suited for superficial booty calls than sentimental sojourns.

The Camel Tow-er: Is that your girlfriend you’re traveling with or a goddamn camel? Severe
over-packing reeks of either crippling disorganization or attachment issues. And if you need to have a conversation that includes the phrase “You can take either the stuffed animal or the Xanax, but not both,” you should just stay home.

Jeannie Greeley is a travel-tested freelance writer with a lust for wandering. She can be reached at jeannieg@comcast.net.